I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by,

And I swear I’ll know your face in the crowd and I’ll hear your voice so loud…

I refuse to call or message any of the people who matter most to me. I don’t even know why. I think my biggest fear is that they’ll be left thinking, why is she talking to me… even though they have given me no reason to think they don’t like me. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t keep forcing them to make the effort to keep in contact with me until they don’t even bother anymore, but it has happened so many times now, I don’t even really think about. It hurts a little less each time, and by now, there isn’t really anybody left.

Even the kindest of folk who attempt to make a new friend of me become casualties of this self-sabotaging war. How many conversations have I prematurely terminated by making up stupid excuses? How many glances have I avoided just to prevent a conversation that I would inevitably try to escape? How long will it be before I am nothing more than the crazy cat ferret lady who is afraid of humanity and can only find comfort in her furry friends?

Seriously. The NICEST of people can’t even break this thing that prevents me from having normal, healthy social interactions.

So, there’s that girl that never keeps in touch.

It’s so easy to let people drift out of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever actually made one single effort to keep a friend. Not one. It was also easy to hide this fact about myself during high school because I saw everyone everyday anyways, so really, I didn’t need to make an effort. Once it ended though, the fog cleared, and people could see me for the uncaring, bitch I really am, right? Sorta.

I think I enjoy tearing myself to pieces when I’m alone. No one to protect me from myself. The scars prove it, and even then, I got absolutely nothing from it. It’s this hollowness that I don’t even try to fill. It’s threatening to swallow me whole, and then I get a text from someone who I still haven’t managed to drive away, and I forget, if only for a moment, what a loner I am and deserve to be.

When the only one who knows all my secrets is my dresser mirror, I’m starting to think I’m too far in for anyone to save me now.